mad. blogging.

i wish the title meant

that i was blogging like MAD.

but no.

i have been slacking.

but this is anGRY blogging.

not hardcore mad

but EXCEL mad.

because i HATE excel.

(right now.)

sure i am amused

and impressed by the

wonders that it can do.

i mean put it in a math

spelling bee and it

will win every time,

give it the math portion

of my SAT's and bAM -

i am going to harvard.

for math.

how 'bout them apples?

what with it's fancy

"formulas" and things like

"summation signs."

and maybe i am being to harsh.

i don't really HATE.

i mean i DO love how you

can make the cells

all different pretty

colors and i appreciate the

wide variety or font-ual

choices.

HOWEVER, my beef (the vegetarian kind)

is that

every freakin' TIME

i am am working on a

spreadsheet

(well, every time LATELY)

- and mind you these

spreadsheets i am

putting together

are full of WORDS,

and lists

not numbers, s

ummations

or formulas,

(thank the lawd!)

so really i GUESS i could

be doing all of this

in a word doc...

but that's neither

here.

nor is it there.

but EVERY time

like RIGHT before i am

thinking about how

i should stop

and SAVE -

that pretty spinning PINWHEEL

show ups out of

nowheres and at first

i am excited - i mean

who doesn't LOVE a good

pinwheel?

usually pinwheels

mean party TIME!

at least in MY world.

but in excel world

they kind of mean

eF u.

or at least that is

how they FEEL to me.

because the pinwheel

starts turning and

turning

and turning

and i can't DO anything.

and then i wait

and pray said pinwheel

will make the party

go away.

and that i can carri on

with my word doc in excel

so i can just

be DUNG!

but it

never

stops

turning.

and so i try to click around.

but nothing will happen.

then i start to tell FB

how mad

i am about this.

and then realize i have

TOO MUCH TO SAY

about that pretty

pinwheel

so i start to blog

and then i force QUIT.

and lose whatever

i have forgotten to SAVE.

and i start to write

a letter to

excel asking them

to change the fun pinwheel

to a skull and cross bones

or a jar of poison

or a parking ticket

or something that

isn't quite as fun

as a pinwheel

so i know right away

my excel word doc is

about to die.

but i don't send the letter.

it's a little too harsh.

and if i did send it

i would add in a

"winking parentheses smiley face"

or an "xoxo" at the end.

you know,

to take the edge off.

so...there's that too.

uh.

peas.

xoxo

; )

BAM.

dallas raines.

it's hot out there.
real hot.

and it's making my
brain melt.

and i am not sure how
i am supposed

to WORK in these
conditions.

but i also know that
others have worse
working conditions

so i am not totally

complaining. totally.

and at least i could work
from my bathing suit -
or "bading soup"
as my friend's

lil' (kim) sister
used to call it,

if i wanted.

i mean still at my

desk-ish table,
don't get me wrong.
not lounging by a pool
or anything.

but the bading soup

freedom option is nice.

wheel see...

why does everything feel

soooo slow and tired,

like i am covered in molasses

and haven't slept

for long time?

my mom talks fast.

even on days like this.

so does my boss.

i can understand my mom
and can keep up as usually
we just jive-talkin' about
nonsense.

although when she has
had a lot of coffee and like
a donut or something,
i can't really keep up,

so i just let her go.

but my boss talks real fast

the majority of the time
and i have never seen her drink
a ton of coffee OR eat a donut.

and every time we chat
i feel like my brain

is in slow motion
and her speak is in fast.

so i ask her to slow down
so my special mind
can ketchup and she does.
and it's fine.

but THAT's on a regular temperature day.
today's temperature
says meteorologist
"dallas raines" (for real name)
is dangerously hot.
it was the leading story on the news.
leading after lindsay and mel
(not together.)

and it reminds me of the

time rita's mom called

at 8am during beach week

to tell us the

heat index is high.

and so my brain today is mush.

and i am having a hard

time forming sentences

and so i kept my phone

interaction with boss

to a minimum today

as i did not want to alarm

her with my slow-moving lava

brain and words.

i could tell when we spoke

that she

was in air conditioning.

it's cooling off outside now.

and i am going to go

to one of my most

favorite places -

whole foods.

and i bet they will

have free samples.

and i bet the

a/c will be blowing

so nicely.

and i may just stay

there and hang out

and read magazines

and buy lara bars.

and maybe my

brain will be brought

back to life

and i will be able

to speak words to the

people in line with me

or to the guy

who will give me

a nice big sample of

the cranberry tuna.

and

i am sure they will

all be so PUMPED

to CHAT.

and then i will

go stand under the mister

as it sprays down

the bok choy to make

it look super appetizing -

sold!

and maybe i will

wear my bading soup.

and maybe not.

peas...& choy.

the history of dance.

i am what i would call a

"phenomenal dancer."

have i won dance contests?

or

been on a dance show?

do i have trophies

with a little

gold-plated

dance persons

on top

engraved with my

name?

hmmm...

nothing official.

and

nothing spelled

correctly.

but i have really great moves.

and like

sjp's janie

in girls just wanna have fun -

"i love to dance."

i have been dancing my

whole life.

singing too.

i am an unbelievable singer.

but that is

a topic for another post.

maybe.

cliffhanger!

so...

i took some ballet and

tap classes at age 5

for a few months?

such versatility!

but then i took a break.

too much too soon.

but then in high school

i would always

audition for

REAL parts in the

school musicals.

parts with SOLOS

and LINES

and characters

with NAMES

but i would always

be cast as a

"group chorus dancer"

because that was

where i really shined.

obviously.

in college i did a

lot of dancing in

flip flops

at frat houses

on beer covered

floors.

then when i lived at

the beach,

i danced at the

beach bars.

my friends would tell me

that i led with

my mouth -

as it was

always open

and smiling.

because i was CONSUMED

with the DANCE!

and my signature move

was (and still is) the pony.

timeless.

"The Pony is a fun 1960s dance that became popular with a song Chubby Checker recorded called "Pony Time." It was done as a couples dance, but the duet never touched doing the dance steps."

please note,

i would perform it solo.

and i have never heard the song

"pony time" but i think i would

really like it.

post-college,

there was

street jam.

on tuesdays and thursday

lauren and i would

metro to joy of motion

and teacher matt

would teach us the

latest moves

to songs like

"it's getting hot in herr."

matt always said

we did a good job.

but he also looked at

himself in the mirror

a WHOLE lot,

so i am not sure if

he ever actually

saw me dance.

now, i wasn't the FASTEST

learner and i would

make lauren re-teach

me the choreography

at home after class,

but before ice cream cones.

i got REALLY good.

and almost thought

about auditioning

to be a back up

dancer for

some very famous people

who i cannot name

many, many times

but then i forgot

to get the details

and probably had

to go to work

that day anyway.

while i never

went pro,

i now continue my

dance career (unpaid)

in the kitchen.

i dance in the

kitchen

a LOT.

i turn on the

boom box -

usually to

kost 103.5 -

usually at night.

so i can

jam out to

"love songs on the coast."

and after all these years

of experience, i think i am

really at the top of

my game incorporating

a variety of

leaps, twirls,

and moonwalk-type

moves.

i keep my expression

very serious,

my yoga clothes

loose and flowy,

and my

moves ultra fresh and

dare i say...organic?

will is my captive audience.

he eats a burrito plate

and claps for me.

the cat usually leaves

the room.

intimidated by

the phenomenon,

i am sure.

typical.

so...umm...

there's that.

google docs.

so the other night,

i was getting ready

to go work on my fitness

at the ymc-YAY

when i spotted the neighborhood

mean cat - MAX outside

chasing after sweet BINGO cat.

luckily bingo was smart

enough to run his willowy

frame through our side gate

escaping max and his

large, non-gate-friendly head.

but i was very

upset that

max was PICKING on

bingo AGAIN.

they have a history.

and MAX used to be a stray.

and he was so sweet

and friendly.

and i called him liger.

because he had a giant

head like a lion

and a stripey body

like a tiger and

because i voted for pedro.

but then max disappeared

for a while.

and must have found

a home because suddenly

he had a new collar

with a tag that said

"maximus."

and a whole new attitude.

an

"F you, i own this place"

attitude.

and i had seen this attitude

before. mostly in humans.

and mostly vendors

at the

farmer's market.

ha! i kid.

but i HAD seen

this attitude

before in max

and i was not

pleased.

sO!

max has been bad news lately.

lots of neighborhood cat

fights - all involving max.

because he is now

a little punk.

and don't get me wrong.

i LOVE cats.

i am a cat person.

i would like to say i am also

a dog person but

they are a lot of work.

and i need to save my

energy for when

we have kids?

so i have always

stuck with cats.

we have a connection.

sometimes i think

maybe i WAS a cat in a

past life.

i mean i am VERY smart.

i like to have

my hair brushed,

love tuna (especially

the cranberry tuna from whole foods)

and i love to drink

cream out of a saucer

on the floor.

not.

but i have had

lots of cats over the

last 30 years...

there was

peanut

pumpkin

paula (after abdul - late 80's)

pope? (he was my great uncles' -

who was, by the way,

not a catholic. huh.)

the little princess

molly...

molly was awesome.

not really a people person

but she loved me so.

when i was a little girl

and i would cry and run

to my room about something.

she would always come

to comfort me.

even if she was OutSIDE!

she would just KNOW!

and she would meow

to be let INside

and then come to my room.

so sweet.

i think my mom gave her away

to the wega's because

she started to pee all over the house.

traumatizing.

then there was

magic,

dinky

and now we have pluffy.

but oh yeah...

so last night...MAX!

max was chasing bingo

and then couldn't get his

head through the gate

and i was walking to

my car trying to get

my bootay to gym class

and max was in front of me.

staring at bingo.

and i said

MAX! go!

and i stomped my foot.

and that crazy

liger jumped iN the AIR

and up my leg

and clawed both

legs and and bit

through my

pantalones

with vampire cat fangs!

not. KIDDING.

and

NOT nice.

i am punctured.

and bruised!

so i went to the doctor

because i did not want to

get rabies

and have to get

shots like that time

arnold got bitten

by that dog on

diff'rent strokes

and was GOING to

have to get

all those shots.

the thought

of needles makes

me pass out.

passing...out...

so i went to the doc.

and he was nice

and his voice sounded like

it should be selling

vegan butter

because it was

very smooth.

and he said to

just keep an eye on

said wound.

GREAT!

but as i was leaving

he decided to give me

a tetanus.

and then as i was

leaving again,

he apparently

googled "cat bites"

and saw that the

cdc recommends antibiotics.

umm...googled?

but whatever.

so i got a prescription.

and max owes me $35

for my co-pays.

but i am afraid of him now

so i prolly

won't confront him about it.

so...uhhh...

peas.