Wednesday, July 28, 2010

mad. blogging.

i wish the title meant
that i was blogging like MAD.

but no.
i have been slacking.

but this is anGRY blogging.

not hardcore mad

but EXCEL mad.

because i HATE excel.
(right now.)

sure i am amused
and impressed by the
wonders that it can do.

i mean put it in a math
spelling bee and it
will win every time,
give it the math portion
of my SAT's and bAM -
i am going to harvard.

for math.

how 'bout them apples?

what with it's fancy
"formulas" and things like
"summation signs."

and maybe i am being to harsh.
i don't really HATE.

i mean i DO love how you
can make the cells
all different pretty
colors and i appreciate the
wide variety or font-ual

HOWEVER, my beef (the vegetarian kind)
is that
every freakin' TIME
i am am working on a
(well, every time LATELY)
- and mind you these
spreadsheets i am
putting together
are full of WORDS,
and lists
not numbers, s
or formulas,
(thank the lawd!)
so really i GUESS i could
be doing all of this
in a word doc...

but that's neither

nor is it there.

but EVERY time
like RIGHT before i am
thinking about how
i should stop
and SAVE -

that pretty spinning PINWHEEL
show ups out of
nowheres and at first
i am excited - i mean
who doesn't LOVE a good

usually pinwheels
mean party TIME!

at least in MY world.

but in excel world
they kind of mean
eF u.

or at least that is
how they FEEL to me.

because the pinwheel
starts turning and
and turning
and i can't DO anything.
and then i wait
and pray said pinwheel
will make the party
go away.
and that i can carri on
with my word doc in excel
so i can just
be DUNG!

but it

and so i try to click around.
but nothing will happen.

then i start to tell FB
how mad
i am about this.

and then realize i have
about that pretty
so i start to blog

and then i force QUIT.
and lose whatever
i have forgotten to SAVE.

and i start to write
a letter to
excel asking them
to change the fun pinwheel
to a skull and cross bones
or a jar of poison
or a parking ticket
or something that
isn't quite as fun
as a pinwheel
so i know right away
my excel word doc is
about to die.

but i don't send the letter.

it's a little too harsh.

and if i did send it
i would add in a
"winking parentheses smiley face"
or an "xoxo" at the end.

you know,
to take the edge off.

so...there's that too.



; )


Thursday, July 15, 2010

dallas raines.

it's hot out there.
real hot.

and it's making my
brain melt.

and i am not sure how
i am supposed
to WORK in these

but i also know that
others have worse
working conditions
so i am not totally
complaining. totally.

and at least i could work
from my bathing suit -
or "bading soup"
as my friend's
lil' (kim) sister
used to call it,
if i wanted.

i mean still at my
desk-ish table,
don't get me wrong.
not lounging by a pool
or anything.

but the bading soup
freedom option is nice.

wheel see...

why does everything feel
soooo slow and tired,
like i am covered in molasses
and haven't slept
for long time?

my mom talks fast.
even on days like this.

so does my boss.

i can understand my mom
and can keep up as usually
we just jive-talkin' about

although when she has
had a lot of coffee and like
a donut or something,
i can't really keep up,
so i just let her go.

but my boss talks real fast
the majority of the time
and i have never seen her drink
a ton of coffee OR eat a donut.

and every time we chat
i feel like my brain
is in slow motion
and her speak is in fast.

so i ask her to slow down
so my special mind
can ketchup and she does.
and it's fine.

but THAT's on a regular temperature day.
today's temperature
says meteorologist
"dallas raines" (for real name)
is dangerously hot.
it was the leading story on the news.
leading after lindsay and mel
(not together.)
and it reminds me of the
time rita's mom called
at 8am during beach week
to tell us the
heat index is high.

and so my brain today is mush.
and i am having a hard
time forming sentences
and so i kept my phone
interaction with boss
to a minimum today
as i did not want to alarm
her with my slow-moving lava
brain and words.

i could tell when we spoke
that she
was in air conditioning.

it's cooling off outside now.

and i am going to go
to one of my most
favorite places -
whole foods.

and i bet they will
have free samples.
and i bet the
a/c will be blowing
so nicely.
and i may just stay
there and hang out
and read magazines
and buy lara bars.

and maybe my
brain will be brought
back to life
and i will be able
to speak words to the
people in line with me
or to the guy
who will give me
a nice big sample of
the cranberry tuna.
i am sure they will
all be so PUMPED
to CHAT.

and then i will
go stand under the mister
as it sprays down
the bok choy to make
it look super appetizing -


and maybe i will
wear my bading soup.

and maybe not.

peas...& choy.

Friday, July 9, 2010

the history of dance.

i am what i would call a
"phenomenal dancer."

have i won dance contests?
been on a dance show?

do i have trophies
with a little
dance persons
on top
engraved with my

nothing official.
nothing spelled

but i have really great moves.
and like
sjp's janie
in girls just wanna have fun -

"i love to dance."

i have been dancing my
whole life.
singing too.
i am an unbelievable singer.
but that is
a topic for another post.

i took some ballet and
tap classes at age 5
for a few months?

such versatility!

but then i took a break.

too much too soon.

but then in high school
i would always
audition for
REAL parts in the
school musicals.

parts with SOLOS


and characters
with NAMES

but i would always
be cast as a
"group chorus dancer"
because that was
where i really shined.


in college i did a
lot of dancing in
flip flops
at frat houses
on beer covered

then when i lived at
the beach,
i danced at the
beach bars.

my friends would tell me
that i led with
my mouth -
as it was
always open
and smiling.

because i was CONSUMED
with the DANCE!

and my signature move
was (and still is) the pony.


"The Pony is a fun 1960s dance that became popular with a song Chubby Checker recorded called "Pony Time." It was done as a couples dance, but the duet never touched doing the dance steps."

please note,
i would perform it solo.

and i have never heard the song
"pony time" but i think i would
really like it.

there was
street jam.
on tuesdays and thursday
lauren and i would
metro to joy of motion
and teacher matt
would teach us the
latest moves
to songs like
"it's getting hot in herr."

matt always said
we did a good job.
but he also looked at
himself in the mirror
a WHOLE lot,
so i am not sure if
he ever actually
saw me dance.

now, i wasn't the FASTEST
learner and i would
make lauren re-teach
me the choreography
at home after class,
but before ice cream cones.

i got REALLY good.

and almost thought
about auditioning
to be a back up
dancer for
some very famous people
who i cannot name
many, many times
but then i forgot
to get the details
and probably had
to go to work
that day anyway.

while i never
went pro,
i now continue my
dance career (unpaid)
in the kitchen.

i dance in the
a LOT.

i turn on the
boom box -
usually to
kost 103.5 -
usually at night.
so i can
jam out to

"love songs on the coast."

and after all these years
of experience, i think i am
really at the top of
my game incorporating
a variety of
leaps, twirls,
and moonwalk-type

i keep my expression
very serious,

my yoga clothes
loose and flowy,

and my
moves ultra fresh and
dare i

will is my captive audience.

he eats a burrito plate
and claps for me.

the cat usually leaves
the room.

intimidated by
the phenomenon,
i am sure.



there's that.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

google docs.

so the other night,
i was getting ready
to go work on my fitness
at the ymc-YAY
when i spotted the neighborhood
mean cat - MAX outside
chasing after sweet BINGO cat.

luckily bingo was smart
enough to run his willowy
frame through our side gate
escaping max and his
large, non-gate-friendly head.

but i was very
upset that
max was PICKING on
bingo AGAIN.

they have a history.

and MAX used to be a stray.
and he was so sweet
and friendly.
and i called him liger.
because he had a giant
head like a lion
and a stripey body
like a tiger and
because i voted for pedro.

but then max disappeared
for a while.
and must have found
a home because suddenly
he had a new collar
with a tag that said
and a whole new attitude.
"F you, i own this place"

and i had seen this attitude
before. mostly in humans.
and mostly vendors
at the
farmer's market.

ha! i kid.

but i HAD seen
this attitude
before in max
and i was not


max has been bad news lately.
lots of neighborhood cat
fights - all involving max.
because he is now
a little punk.

and don't get me wrong.
i LOVE cats.
i am a cat person.
i would like to say i am also
a dog person but
they are a lot of work.
and i need to save my
energy for when
we have kids?

so i have always
stuck with cats.

we have a connection.
sometimes i think
maybe i WAS a cat in a
past life.

i mean i am VERY smart.
i like to have
my hair brushed,
love tuna (especially
the cranberry tuna from whole foods)
and i love to drink
cream out of a saucer
on the floor.


but i have had
lots of cats over the
last 30 years...

there was
paula (after abdul - late 80's)
pope? (he was my great uncles' -
who was, by the way,
not a catholic. huh.)
the little princess

molly was awesome.
not really a people person
but she loved me so.
when i was a little girl
and i would cry and run
to my room about something.
she would always come
to comfort me.
even if she was OutSIDE!
she would just KNOW!
and she would meow
to be let INside
and then come to my room.
so sweet.

i think my mom gave her away
to the wega's because
she started to pee all over the house.


then there was

and now we have pluffy.

but oh yeah...

so last night...MAX!
max was chasing bingo
and then couldn't get his
head through the gate
and i was walking to
my car trying to get
my bootay to gym class
and max was in front of me.
staring at bingo.

and i said

MAX! go!
and i stomped my foot.

and that crazy
liger jumped iN the AIR
and up my leg
and clawed both
legs and and bit
through my
with vampire cat fangs!



NOT nice.

i am punctured.
and bruised!

so i went to the doctor
because i did not want to
get rabies
and have to get
shots like that time
arnold got bitten
by that dog on
diff'rent strokes
and was GOING to
have to get
all those shots.
the thought
of needles makes
me pass out.


so i went to the doc.
and he was nice
and his voice sounded like
it should be selling
vegan butter
because it was
very smooth.

and he said to
just keep an eye on
said wound.

but as i was leaving
he decided to give me
a tetanus.

and then as i was
leaving again,
he apparently
googled "cat bites"
and saw that the
cdc recommends antibiotics.


but whatever.

so i got a prescription.

and max owes me $35
for my co-pays.

but i am afraid of him now
so i prolly
won't confront him about it.